After waiting three whole years, Fawful's Minion fans finally get to inhale his Top 30 favorite Copy Abilities within the Kirby series of video games! Will your favorite emerge on top? There's only one way to find out! But wait a moment... It seems as though Logan has been turned into a Kirby as a punishment for the overdue promise! This can only end well...
Logan: Happy 2016, Minionation, and well... shit. Looks like I'm adorable. Why? As punishment for the wait. I'm stuck like this until I deliver. Consider it done! I've had to slit some bitches to bring this back. Sweat and tears both began shedding. Lost my clothes... here we are. Takin' a look at Kirby's ever so diverse collection of Copy Abilities. Rules? Ahm... No Super, Mix, or End-game abilities? Yeah. You've caught the gist, you know the hist, so let's see that list! Pinch my cheeks, give me a cuddle, and slip on those battle caps! Our return to Dreamland starts now.
Logan: It can be hard going against base instincts. So hard that it's been made into 17 dick jokes at banished Mt. Ragequit. You can't help it! Sometimes you just wanna throw something. During a pissy fit, or when you've misplaced all your Sawks. Solves about as many problems as it causes. It qualifies as hilarious! But when you're a baby pink puffball that can fly forever and deep-throat LOGS, why the fuck would you ever wanna throw something? Uh... kicks? It's good for ya!
Logan: From a conceptual standpoint, Throh is actually kinda lame. And so is this ability. Cackle cackle cackle! From the first time we all take baby's first suck, it's all too easy to grow numb to ability-less Kirby. And donning the blue headband doesn't feel all that different. Simple to understand; pick em' up and chuck the poor fuck up, down, or straight. That's it. It's nice that you don't get cute, defenseless animal hair stuck in you mouth, at the very least. Its extravagance rivals that of a sneeze, blink, or yawn. As in, even I can do that! But it's fun for the same reasons Super Mario 2 is. BAM, mother-fucker! Don't undersell it because of the bare-bones concept. During the standstill, you're completely invulnerable, and anything that touches you takes a truck-load of damage! Damn! But I just like the mentality that goes with it. Yeah, I got superpowers blessed by the deities, the elements of the cosmos, military-grade explodey things, and my Mama's best COOKING POT, but... fuck you! I don't need it! It's the equivalent of going For Glory Ganondorf; you get the feeling that you could do better, but re thayin' it here: go nuts.
Logan: Before I became a crazy adult, I was a crazy kid. When you're in that age bracket, silly desires overflow the mind. And for the sake of being casual, I feel like sharing something. Back when I was but a mini Minion, it was my dream to visit the circus. Yeah, no joke. Big top tent, otherworldly performances, fellow weirdos to relate with, all that. So when I heard Triple Deluxe featured an ability called Circus, I legit squeed, "Neeheehee!" Went into the game mostly blind, and... what? I was disappointed? Pfft, that's cute.
Logan: Circus turned out to be my exact vision: fun, and well aware that it's fun. This ability brings me a familiar joy. Usage of ordinarily harmless props or objects, and makin' George Romero films out of it! Looking at you, mother-fuckers! There's something undeniably charming about watching Kirby act like a carny. Give him some nummies, and he'll give you the full show!
Wiz: Tut tut, beautiful crowd! Gather 'round to witness the only face too cute to throw pies at! Give him your hugs and cheers! The amaze-ball himself! Kirby-Kirb!!! Try some somersaults!
Wiz: Balancing acts!
Wiz: Watch him juggle!
Wiz: And more balls...!
Wiz: For some reason... And Superman 64!
Logan: Ah, that's a cute little circus freak! Surprisingly, this power can solve an awful lot of puzzles! For something as simple as... being a fuckin' goof, its quality is in your face. I've heard some that don't really like it, but hey. Maybe they're not freak enough. Though, gotta admit, I feel it's the weakest of Triple Deluxe's new abilities. No harm, no hate, its competitions just got tastier popcorn. Hey, mad respect though, entertaining a crowd despite looking silly? There's a true character.
Number 28 Edit
Logan: For the most part, the Copy Abilities are kept very... how do I wanna say it? Earthly. Generally sticking to forces of nature and traditional elements. Very rarely do they ever have one based off of human inventions. And if they do, it's kept old-fashioned. So that just makes Laser all the better to appreciate.
Logan: A page taken from futuristic technology, the Laser ability is sweet and to the point. Press a button, it shoots! That's how love is born, my friends. A projectile with good speed, range, and power. Of all my choices for projectiles, it's my go-to weapon on the offensive. I tire veeerry little of something that gives me a trigger. Fun motto: Shoot first, bitch about the special editions later. I could be a pew pew little mother fucker and zone out all my targets. Not give a damn! Hell yeah! Being that it's also a natural element, light, it's also gotta have its own puzzles. But rather than freeze water or melt ice, something like that, the shots actually ricochet off slopes, allowing for altered trajectory and enhanced reach. That's awesome! We need more mechanics like that. In the older games, especially in Squeak Squad, Laser had a unique flair. Something about it just seemed so unique, despite not actually being unique. Though, it's a hot spot for fashion. That. Fucking. Visor! Not to mention the color of the beam matches the color of your Kirby. So cool! But um... what happened? That's the last time we ever saw it. Sadly, that's not the only shortcoming. Laser, while extremely cool and offensively practical, is not very versatile. I guess you could call it outdated, and that's why it's lower on the list. Bring this one back, HAL! Turn this fluffy marshmallow into a Giygan hellspawn! You have the technology. Don't make me worry.